Congo | I believe but help my unbelief

When I was in Congo late last year I had an experience with my own unbelief that I will not soon forget

[Performance starts at 1:36]

The Inner

Jesus said, “All things are possible for one who believes.”
But I find myself like the father of the mute son asking for healing
and my prayer echoes his,

I believe but help my unbelief!

When I was in Congo late last year I had an experience with my own unbelief that I will not soon forget. As our team clustered together, communing, a few locals came to us. With them stood a girl, no older than 10 years old, and near her left eye socket was a bandage that was wrapped around a small circular something. We came to find out that this precious girl’s eyeball had literally fallen out of her face and was attached solely by sinew and bandage.
How did this happen?? We never found out. The girl approached us with what looked to be her mother, and the mother told us that she would be taking her daughter to the hospital, and she asked us to pray for the journey, and the medical procedure.
As we prayed, God spoke to me in ways that harken to Christ’s using spit, soil, and river water to heal a blind man. He asked, “If I asked you to unbandage her eye, spit on your hand, rub said spit into her eye, and place the loose eyeball back in her socket, would you do this?”

“[expletive] no I wouldn’t!!!”
And I didn’t.
But what if I had been  unhindered by unbelief?
Maybe that child would be seeing today. From two eyes.
orrr maybe my risk would have been for nothing and I would have actually harmed her, because maybe God didn’t speak to me at all?

All I know is that believing is far more scary,  exponentially more risky, and
a lot more rewarding
than unbelief.

And so, again, I say, “I believe but help my unbelief!”

And that prayer carries not just into ministry life, but into personal life
because “insecurities treat me like a summer day, with not an inch of shade”.
It’s a vast array of things I’m insecure about. Just this week I’m learning that while I enjoy conflict- it makes me uncertain of me and my co-conflictor’s relationship. Like, “are we good?” “Are we actually friends after this?”, and as a result of doubt I walk on eggshells uncertain of our relational security.

“It run through my mind like a sickness!”

I had a vision. In one scene, there was a boy with raggedy clothes draped on him. The wind whipped at his back like a Master to his disobedient slave- threatening to blow just hard enough that they fly away with the wind. His backdrop was barren war-torn ruins. And though his eyes were resilient, his spirit was weak and alone. Weary, and wanting to weave home from the disparate threads of his existence yet not knowing how to. His heart was constantly in a  posture of yearning for more,  but being perpetually incapable of experiencing moreness
In the next scene, there was a man wearing black armor, with gold trim. His feet were like the trunk of a tree, not in size, but in how rooted to the earth they were. Nothing could move him to uncertainty- He would grow here. His background was the same as the boy’s, yet his was a much different demeanor.
Sometimes, much to my detriment,  I choose to believe I am that child- insecure and uncertain of present and future.
As that child I feel alone, disinherited and unempowered.
But when I choose to dwell in reality as the man, the conqueror who’s confidence comes from His certainty, my feet too are like the trunk of a tree, not in size, but in how rooted to the earth they are. Nothing can move me to uncertainty- I will grow here.

“Surround me in such a way there is just light
and the darkness, the nearby insecurities are flung like
dung in a monkey fight- out of my hands
I need something new to hold on to
I’ve been wandering in the wilderness of disbelief for too long, too
Can you save me?
I know you can, but will I believe the words you’re saying?”


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The Prayer

  • Finances. Still tryna raise my monthly income from $960 to $1500
  • Family. My brother is getting out of jail soon. I’ll hopefully see him this summer. I haven’t seen him since we were 14 years old. Pray that our meet up goes well, and that he is doing well.
  • Opportunities. Lot of opportunities seem to be getting thrown my way. Pray that I approach them with Wisdom, and am saturated with God’s perspective on what to say ‘yes’ to, and what to say ‘no’ to.
  • Belief. Simply put I wanna believe I’m ready for the things God calls me to, but often I find myself wrestling with insecurity. To be insecure is to be human..but God asks us to be more than just human, He asks us to be Godly. And He ain’t insecure, so I don’t think I should be either.


The Pictures

At our Art show, Lily (right) explaining her art. ISN’T SHE AMAZING.

We [Spark] invited John Stenson [bearded] to teach the winter Discipleship Training School about Art Evangelism as they prepped for outreach. He summarized it as “finding creative ways to connect with people”

After the art show, Spark staff and students picture 🙂

Last 2 years I been on a team of campus ministers called Race & Faith, tryna engage the campus on issues of race through a faith perspective. This is the banner signifying our annual event. ( I didn’t take pictures during the thing)

Springing from one of the connections I have with a co-laborer on the Race & Faith team, I was invited to perform a piece I wrote called Fight Back at Geneva Campus Church. Thanks Pastor Mike for having me! It was a great opportunity!

idk who this professor is but I went to a conference on Howard Thurman- a seminal pre-King Jr. theologian that heavily influenced him. Reading Thurman’s book Jesus and the Disinherited was one of the best decisions I’ve made this year.

Privileged to live and staff at Phos House for another year!

As the semester winds to a close, this is Evan, a student that graduated from Aveda. I was his staff-backer. We met a couple times a month throughout the year with the purpose of friendship, guidance, and sharing ice cream.

Went home for a week to fundraise, I stopped at my church’s youth group. The fun activity you see before you is them building a structure around her head from pasta and marshmellows. It was a competition and our team obviously won. CANDY FOR US WOOO!.


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Like this post? Deal with insecurity? Comment below, I’d love to hear your thoughts!


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